Life is about balancing triumph and disappointment. It always feels like the latter outgains the former, but with enough rationalization you can con yourself into believing there’s a balance of wins and losses. Any triumph great or small is a success. But disappointments can vary in size, much like a meteorite and an asteroid. If you’re lucky, you only get meteorites.
Today feels like an asteroid.
The project is hereby canceled. Not of my own volition.
Those who don’t remember or never knew, in December I was hired by a fledgling gaming company to compose music tracks and transitions for an upcoming video game. I was thrilled because I had never done anything on this level of professionalism. I was going to be paid per song I produced (upward of $3,000 in total), I was going to be credited in a large group production, and I was going to put a gold star on my resume. And people were going to hear my music, which was what I was most excited about.
I worked independently, occasionally partnering with a musical supervisor, and put together around 47 partial tracks. The little feedback I received from the project producers were mostly positive. Despite my raging impostor syndrome, I felt like maybe I could actually make something of my love of songcraft.
I worked dilligently for about 5 months when the announcement was made that the VFX department was downsized by half, and the project was pushed back from Christmas 2022 to Summer 2023. And all “peripheral departments” (music being one of them) would pause their work until the rest of the project caught up. That was the first bad feeling I got.
And this past weekend, the other shoe dropped. They announced they’ve ceased work on the project and sold the concept and all its art and coded work to a different company. The company was folding; taking the little money they got and going home.
I’m disappointed obviously. I lost out on a job that would have validated all the time I’ve put into music. And since I signed on as a freelancer, I’m not even getting paid for my time–the music I did make was still mine by right, they assured me. And they gave me an email address to the new company to see if I could sell it to the new company… which of course, they quickly rejected. They’re a bigger company who actually had a music department and didn’t need my input. And their music department is not hiring, naturally.
That happened this past Friday. And I’ve spent the last couple days ruminating on the future of my music creation. I enjoy writing music, unconventional though it may be. But was this the best opportunity to do anything with it? Do I keep writing and keep pressing the issue to see if I can make something of it? In many ways, music is a young person’s game. But I don’t want to be played on the radio or have a million followers on TikTok; I want to create an atmosphere. I want to be the musical soul of a project, be it a movie, series, game, etc. I just want to be heard.
At the same time, I’ve been struggling with a different sort of truth recently. A realization that should haunt every creative type. Barring some eternal surplus of free time or winning the lottery and quitting your day job, it’s more likely than not that a creator won’t be able to finish everything they hope to create. A writer will die before all their stories are told. A painter will die without painting everything in their soul. It’s nothing to be sad about, it’s just the nature of the creative type. We are always thinking and breathing new ideas we hope to transform into life. Even Stephen King with his abundance of stories probably won’t be able to write every story he has to offer. It’s just the way it is.
The sad part is since the end could come at any moment, you don’t know which one of those stories, paintings, or creations will be the last one. Every story eventually comes to an end. And I’ve decided it’s better to choose when The End is than exit this reality with paint still on the palette.
I made this epiphany when thinking about writing, but it translates to this situation as well. How long do I go with this musical endeavor? Writing music takes a lot of concentration, a lot of repetition, and it simply cannot be done without putting 100% of your soul into it. And putting yourself out there without fanfare, without much attention diminishes the fire a little bit more.
All that to say now is the time that I’m going to put the full court press on. I’ve narrowed down all the projects I want to do, I’m going to have a great time writing, recording, editing, and posting. I’m going to make a valiant attempt to get another musical composition gig because it’s one of my life goals (to be musically credited in a production). I’ll live out my musical fantasy even if no one hears it.
And when it’s done, I’ll pack up my guitar and go home. That’s when I decide will be The End. Oh, I’ll still play music, and still collect guitars, and still keep my musical edge sharpened, that’s not in question. But I think that’s when my music writing days will be finished. And that’s ok, there’s no need to be sad about it. It’s empowering to pick the time and place to finish rather than leave pieces unassembled and forgotten. And who knows, I could change my mind… I mean, look at how many times The Eagles retired and unretired.
Time has come to clear everything on my musical white board. Let’s rock!
A Story About Waffles 